Dandelion-Utilitarian

The delineating factor in the chapters of my life has often been tangentially linked to my beverages of choice.

On my first day of college—many, many years ago (1996, if you want to get personal)—I was a nerdy kid with very few skills, deeply self-conscious, and in deep denial about basically my entire personality. I had no idea what was cool, no social skills to speak of, and my main concern was not looking like an idiot. Pretty normal for a sixteen-year-old in the nineties.

I stood in line at the college canteen—a larger-than-expected room, filled with students who all looked more interesting and more at home than I felt.

The person in front of me (whose name I sadly can’t remember) was a long-haired guitar player who wore a lot of denim and talked fast. He was on the same IT course as me. His reason for enrolling? “Because computers are more interesting than music class."

Nameless Cool Kid ordered a bacon sandwich and a black coffee.

Panic hit. I had no idea what I was going to order. At school, I mostly drank Panda Pop and ate crisps because they were cheap.

I blurted out “Sausage sandwich,” because I didn’t want to copy him too blatantly. But when it came to the drink, I also said, “Black coffee, please,” and tried to act like it was totally natural.

The guy behind me ordered a chocolate milk and a large cookie. I was relieved I wasn’t following him instead.

We sat down, and Nameless Cool Kid loudly proclaimed, “Nice to know there’s another black coffee drinker in our group!”

I was stuck. Doomed to be one of the black coffee people. No problem, right? That’s cool.

Then I took a sip.

If you’ve never had coffee before, black coffee tastes like warm tar and smells faintly of ash. Until you eventually fall in love with it, that is.

Still, I drank black coffee for the rest of the year. And oddly enough, by the end of it, I genuinely enjoyed it.

Nameless Cool Kid dropped out about two weeks in. Later, I found out he got arrested for stealing his neighbour’s car. He might have been a loser and an actual criminal—but at least he was cool.

Years later, when I got married, I became obsessed with this 1970s coffee maker someone gave me. It made terrible coffee, but it looked fantastic.

When I separated from my wife, it sprung a leak. Poetic.

There’s a lot in the middle here that I’m glossing over, but I went through a multi-year tea phase—eventually abandoning it when I realised tea was making my teeth look like I’d just returned from a three-day heroin bender.

A couple of months ago (as I mentioned in another post), I injured my knee and then made it worse by falling down the stairs.

During my sad recovery, I drank a lot of mixed fruit juice and felt sorry for myself—almost constantly.

Ideas began to form as I nursed my knee, and strangely, last Saturday I went to a gym for the first time ever in my life.

I know plenty of people my age who haven’t been to a gym, but still, it felt odd. I’m 44 and had never once set foot in one.

I have a foggy memory of being in a gym-like place with my dad around age twelve, but I’ve decided to disregard that entirely. Might have been a dream.

Now, I’ve been to the gym four times and have thoroughly enjoyed it, so far.

I started drinking Monster Energy Ultra (sugar-free)—not for any deep reason, just because it was in the vending machine after my first session. It satisfied me. Now it’s tradition.

Exciting times, I know.

Incredibly, my knee pain has massively reduced in just over a week of gym visits. I suppose all those gym bros are onto something. Who knew?

Planning three fitness trips a week, church on Sundays, and Bible group on Wednesdays has—for the first time ever—left me with less time to write than I’d like.
But it’s giving me new experiences and more time to reflect. That reflection, no doubt, will end up back in the writing anyway.

I’ve spoken before about the changes in my life over the past few years. Every one of them has made me a little bit happier. Closer to bliss? Who knows.

But I’d like to take a moment to outline a few of them:

• On 23 June 2024, I was baptised. Officially a Christian. That has been entirely positive in my life. I love Jesus, and knowing Him has made everything exponentially better.
• Over the last few years, I’ve written about five books. I say about because the novella/novel distinction is something I still argue with myself about. Writing brings me joy—and a sense of calm I treasure.
• A little over a year ago, I got a dog. There is no downside to having a little fur pal.
• I started drawing. I’m still very bad at art, but I love using that part of my brain. It helps me see things differently—perhaps more deeply.
• I started playing chess a few months ago. I’m literally trash at chess, but there’s something about the precision of the game that I find beautiful—even if my own playing isn’t.

And now, on top of that, I’ve started drinking Monster Energy and going to the gym.

Imagine going back to pre-COVID me and telling him all this.

I’m not sure I’d recognise myself.

Let’s hope the trajectory of joy continues.

Also, for the record—Monster is not overrated.

Monster is dope.